“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.” — Coco Chanel
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a client, family member or friend say that they’re trying to “change” someone, or that they’re having trouble controlling someone’s behavior or worse, they’ve lost control of a person, I’d be a wealthy woman. The problem with those statements is that we really can’t control a person’s behavior unless we lock him in a closet and throw away the key. Even though I have felt like doing that at times in my life, even I know that’s not a way to solve a problem.
The only ways to effectively get someone to do your bidding are:
Pay them well and pay them often. You don’t have money, you say. OK, what do you have? How can you titillate that person to want to do your bidding? Try listening to them. Yes, that. Sit them down and ask them:
“What motivates you?”
“What makes you want to get up in the morning?”
“What do you miss from your life?”
Just listen and if necessary jot down the answers. Ask them questions to clarify. Occasionally repeat their phrase back to the person to let them know you are really hearing them and hearing the music of their speech patterns, i.e. where they take a pause. Then, don’t act on the person’s answers for a few days. Let the answers percolate in your mind and I guarantee you that after a few days a thought will pop into your head as to how to motivate that person to do the task you are aiming to accomplish.
Listening, real listening is very difficult. We sabotage ourselves so often by just waiting to talk while the other person is rattling on. We’re not listening. We’re waiting. Honestly, that doesn’t work for long especially if you are a manager at a company where you are being judged by your senior management.
Real listening is the opposite of waiting to talk. With productive listening you, the listener, are talking about 20% of the time, your communication partner is talking 80% of the time. Yes, that is true. Now it’s time to practice in a low stress environment. Ask your spouse or friend to tell you something controversial or sensitive and see how you do. You might even try videotaping this encounter. Why? Real listening uses your whole body. Your gestures, your facial expressions, your body language are all critical in active listening. If necessary, sit on the edge of your seat to pump up your concentration. You’re going to be a master listener in no time.
Let me know how it works out for you.
Get more exciting communication tips in Your Self-Sabotage Survival Guide by Karen Berg. Read more here: tinyurl.com/y786t4ax