Desperation
We’ve been in a COVID-19 world shutdown for several months now and I’ve seen personality changes in the people I know, the people I coach, and the people I observe from a “safe distance.”
Desperation. We’re feeling desperate. Desperate to connect. Desperate to move forward. We want to create new relationships. New life experiences and new job opportunities. Except that in many ways, we can’t. We’re stuck. Thanks to COVID and quarantine, we’re all finding it difficult to get un-stuck.
Whether trying to launch a podcast or embarking on the dating scene after being off the grid for a while, many of us feel the future looks bleak. It may be just in the short term, but it’s hard to see things getting better because we’ve been at this 100-plus days at this point. But what if our future will be bleak for decades to come? We just don’t know. That uncertainty, that unease of not knowing in basic black-and-white terms what the future holds, means many of us start to panic.
I had a friend who hasn’t seriously dated for twenty years before she met an interesting man online (where else) during COVID. I was mildly skeptical about her doing this because of the times we’re in, and how COVID panic can cloud judgement, but I stayed supportive, as friends do.
In “normal” times, if your potential companion comes across as manipulative, needy, or seeming to be just “window shopping” on various dating sites, you might spot it fairly quickly and run the other way. But because of the lockdown and fear of, well, dying, we tend to lose our filters and we stop seeing the signs. Because we’re desperate for a sustainable future, we may glom on to an unsuitable love interest to make us less afraid.
Fun Fact: It doesn’t work. It didn’t work for my friend and it might not work for others. Eventually, reality sets in and you start to see that what you’ve been doing in fostering this new friendship is settling for someone, anyone, to help quell your fears and hold you until sleep arrives. When reality hits, you end up getting hurt, or you hurt someone else.
Pathetic? Absolutely.
Able to remedy? Less absolute, but doable.
To avoid becoming entangled in these tricky types of situations, you need to step back, take a deep, socially distanced breath, then think seriously about the future you see for yourself assuming you live past the virus. And most probably you will.
Whether for job hunting or dating, I suggest you push yourself to be more analytical. I’ve been coaching people who’ve lost their jobs because of COVID, and like my friend and her relationship fiasco, they’ve been seeking out literally anything to get back into the swing of things. Because many are still receiving state unemployment benefits and additional federal benefits, at least for the time being, there is some money coming in, so I advise them to try not to panic job-hunt (or date) and to take their time finding the right fit.
My advice:
1) Get fit. You can’t manage a new career opportunity or a new romantic relationship if you don’t feel good about yourself. If you need to lose weight, what better time? Keep a log of what you eat and weigh yourself the same day every week. There are Weight Watchers meetings online and I believe whole heartedly in the Weight Watchers model of weight control. Work exercise into your daily routine, and if you find you don’t have a daily routine during these quarantine days, build a routine around your exercise schedule. You’ll feel better physically but also mentally and emotionally if you get focused on getting fit.
2) Journal through it. You’re likely still in full or at least partial lockdown right now. What better time to start journaling if you don’t already? Pen to paper is best because there is a direct link from writing by hand to your brain. You may find yourself surprised by all the unconscious treasures about your state of mind and where you’re headed that you haven’t been able to tap into because you’ve been in a state of emotional rigor mortis due to fear.
3) Brainstorm. What’s the best-case scenario for you when it comes to a dream job or dream partner? Put that down on paper. Review it. Now, bring in some reality testing. Are you trained and experienced in that line of work you fantasize participating in? Are you really able to sustain a relationship based on those desires? Be honest with yourself and strive for opportunities that are right for you—not the ones that are right for you right now.
The COVID-19 has been a real bitch to live through. But, even in this emotionally and physically toxic environment, there is opportunity. You just have to go after the right ones.
Get more tips about getting out of your own way in Your Self Sabotage Survival Guide by Karen Berg: https://tinyurl.com/y786t4ax